"VISITING" OUT JANUARY 22 2021

it's a call to make

a story

you can fake it

throw a fit

a little kid

is nothing but a dancer

i plucked a new petal i have nothing to pay

it's not like you have something better to say

                            i'm gone off
            just conjecture
   yes i know it's a fucking lecture

what was it like

when you first learned what it was like to want ?

so where were you ?

and tell me about that little backwards “s” you use to spell your name

just a little backwoods kid who never got to play

i like your new haircut

was it something i said ?

soft like hollow bread

with nothing inside my head

so fill me up with lead and

toss me over the bridge

i can sink and i’ll be whole again

you tried to plan ahead of time

but there was… something...there

and you got stuck in line

---------12/11

adapt freely

or do not adapt at all

est. 1993
PROLIFIC HABITS ARE JUST ANOTHER WAY TO KEEP YOURSELF FROM CRAVING STABILITY
MUSIC IS NOT POISON BUT SOMETIMES WE END UP KILLING OUR FRIENDS SPIRITS ANYWAY
THE CARROT IS NOT AN IDEAL SANDWICH INGREDIENT 
FIND YOUR LOVE POWER, WHATEVER THAT MEANS 
I DON'T LIKE SURPRISES
BUT YOU COULD PROBABLY SURMISE THIS 

what do you

expect me

to put here

my old friend from high school leans over to ask "were we always this different?"

and i am pleasantly surprised by her observation 

falling out of love

it happens every 

                     t    i     m  e

make a joke about being free

i can 

       s       e       e

put me on the beach

where i am small

i am a 

     know

          i   t

               all 

staring facebook statuses/spongelike/so get out of the way/it's a house but you can't stay 

ADAPT FREELY

OR DO NOT ADAPT

AT ALL

[…] “and i know in that mania that transpires between us there’s more than we’ve ever said , maybe more than what could be said , but i thought i’d start somewhere , and anyway , it was a cool ring .” 

i had a dream about my friend pam who's dead

i was covered in hives

and i never get hives

sitting (no feeling)

walking (some feeling)

driving (in which i take on the world)

watching (distraction)

reading (better distraction)

sleeping (i have won)

i dont want to feel like i’m asking for too much 

but what i want right now is to have a room of my own

where i can listen to my boone girls 45 

and set up all my soakies toys

and choose to not have curtains so the sun pours in in the morning and i have to put a shirt on my face to block out the light

i want to go to the gay beach and not wear a top and see everyone around me having a body and not caring or gawking at other peoples bodies

but i’d probably go to the gay beach in the early evening

when the air is still warm enough to swim

but there aren’t that many people there 

i really miss going to the movies but i’m not fixating on it right now because what i’m fixating on instead is the fact that i want to kiss most if not all of my friends 

or not even kiss them per say

but feel like i can drape my whole body on them and we can hold each other

and it’s no 

big

deal

i wonder if i am ever gonna get

my shit together

yeah i have wondered too 

you communicated a green to someone

but it turned around

and it looks blue to you now

you communicated a need to the only one

and they just threw you a dirty look

and told you to stop sucking on yr top lip 

 

i guess if i wanted to play it safe

my feet would take me for a spin

but i dont know 

all my socks are way too stylish

to even be seen by 

the fog

and the rain is really 

messing with my attachment style 

lately

 

sometimes i wish i had an older brother

so that maybe i would have gotten

some mud squished into my face

not of my own volition 

but no 

i had to be responsible

for all my own 

mischief

and i remember

falling out of a tree alone

and tasting the dirt

and the blood

and thinking about how boring it was

but i cried

yeah i guess i used to cry a lot

 

did you see it as it was happening ?

when they were hurting you 

did you notice in the moment

or did you not realize it 

until much later

i wrap myself in linen

and cancel all my appointments 

i try to channel my pain 

and force it into cubby holes 

it does not belong in 

or even want to be in

but it begs me to pay attention to it

to maybe bring it to tea with me

and cut it a slice of cake